Helga the happy hooker who helped a hedgehog by jay z

one day in the soho helga the happy hooker who just recieved a right hook on her hooter from her loving husband, was walking down the street when she came across sonic the cum hedgehog, sadly sonic was inconscouse so helga gave the little hedghog mouth to mouth and as quick as a flash sonic was breathing again
"What happened to you?" helga said with a sad expression on her face to the little hedghog
"it was P Diddy, he wanted the delux package and shoved me up his arse, the problem was he forgot all about me and I was up there for 3 days, thankfully you found me or I would have been a very sad hedgehog...because Id have been dead" sonic said smiling and fur still blue

"dont worry sonic us hookers  need to stick together who else is going to pay smacky the drug mule?" helga said thoughtfully
 

Wolf(erine)



 

Well here i am again drunk and opinionated so I thoughts I'd do another comic book movie review, this time its wolf...erine starring Jack Nicholson as wolverine, James Spader as Sabretooth, Brian Markinson as Deadpool and Michelle Pfeiffer as Jean Grey/Catwoman.

Logan has lost his memory and thinks he's a publicist, hes driving through the snow and hits an animal which bites him causing his memories of who he formally was to slowly come back. Unbeknownst to him he had secretly working been with Sabretooth (who has also lost his memory)  who seems to have his age reversed by 20 years, and is after Logan's job and is fucking Logan's pretend wife.Logan catches them at it like horny beavers causing him to burst into a rage biting Creed which by chance restarts his memory.

Sabretooth tries seducing Jean Grey/Catwoman the crafty old dog

 

 

He meets jean grey who has also lost her memories and is convinced she's Logan bosses daughter which would explain a lot because the guy looks like magneto. she offers to let him sleep in her house for the night because shes just met him and wants to piss off her dad and having no where to go because he's left his pretend wife taker her up on her offer, sadly he cant sleep so he runs into the woods for a bit of hunting to let off steam (a classic wolverine moment), eventually he becomes more and more like the animal he used to be, leading to a great scene where he butchers 3 muggers in a beserker rage.

 

 

 



With his memories flooding back he goes to jean grey for a cry but Sabretooth is tracking him and while Logan is at Dr Strange's to try and stop his memories coming back he breaks into jean grey house, luckily wolverine gets back in time to stop Creed having his way with Jean and the two rip each other to shit in a brutal fight, but what a fight its like theyve taken it straight from that issue where wolverine slices off Sabretooths nuts because Sabretooth was killing him.It ends with Creed dying and wolverine having to run away from society yet again to try and deal with animalistic nature. Oh and jean becomes the phoenix and still didn't have a fuck who she was.

ouch

Normally I'd rap it up at this point but I like the film and I still had booze left so much I watched the DVD extras, apparently there was a bit of controversy during the making of the film as to what it was actually about, for example did you know it was originally supposed to be a horror about a man turning into a wolf? came as a complete shock to me it. Nicholson has done a great job as Logan, he never once calls anyone bub or shows the metal claws but he carries himself great as a killing machine with a soul, same with Spader as Sabretooth it was all in the eyes with him, you knew the second you seen him he was going to kill something, don't get me wrong he didn't exactly have the body builder monster look that creed has in the comics but at least he doesnt have hands like a bag lady. Michelle  Pfeiffer seemed be playing a different character and I don't rate her performance as Jean grey at all, I'd still give her one but there wasn't even a hint she was jean grey its like the directors would just assume you've read the comic and have to figure it out yourself, she isn't even called jean in this they named her Laura, what the fuck is that about? and don't get me started on the Deadpool cameo, he's a bald police officer in this who barely gets a line, no yellow boxes, not even a nod that he's in a movie.

After the success of Batman Nicholson thought he'd give a comic book movie another go and went for the character who he himself inspired as he can only ever really play himself "I really wanted to test my acting ability with this part, you have this guy who's a walking ball of anger and I felt it was the right time to tell his story" so dedicated to the part Nicholson spend a month in the Rockies in Canada naked, hunting deer. "It was intense, most guys at my age should be taking it easy but I'm a method actor so I needed to live as this guy lived, hunting, living in the wild as animal, killing criminals with 6 steak knifes attached to my hands, OK so I never killed anyone but those boys scouts got a hell of a fright when I raided their camp when I ran out of alcohol"

  Didn't know who she was

 Michelle Pfeiffer admits to some confusion  "The director told me I'd be doing a sequel to batman, the character still had that one life at the end of returns and I thought I could make it work but I told him one condition, no S&M gear my skin still hasn't recover 2 years later and do you realise how much fan boy spunk I received in the mail?" when asked what she thought of Nicholson approach to the role "he didn't smile much which I thought was weird, he didn't even tell one joke"

James Spader is just confused "I had to segregate myself from jack and  Pfeiffer every chance they got they talked about some fucking comic, I was under the impression that they thought it was a different movie not a straight horror piece" when asked about how he approached Sabretooth "Stop asking stupid question, people like you are scum"

 

 The director "it was a fucking nightmare do you have any idea how much stress I was under dealing with those arseholes, Jack felt he was telling an origin story of a serial killer with a heart of gold and Michelle was desperate to continue as Catwoman, thank god for James if it wasn't for him I would have been royally fucked and I was able to Bowfinger the whole thing together" when asked why he wasn't just honest with his two leads "I needed the money for crack, those 2 are dumb as shit, you feed the ego and I could make them dance to any tune I fucking fancied, its all smoke and mirrors you know, the editing process is where the film was really made, I cut so much of that fucking film that there was over 200 hours of unused footage just so I could get whats was actually in the script"

What a revelation.

 

My final verdict on this is... its a very confusing movie, it doesn't play like your stereotypical superhero movie and it changes all the names of the character but you can tell its a wolverine movie, either that and it is a horror movie about a man becoming a wolf and Ive just drank too much which to be honest would make a shit load more sense now that I actually think about it. Because of this I give it the 4 bottles of blue WKD out of 5. what can I say its a good movie.

wolverine origans



For my first film review I have chosen the masterpiece that is wolverine X-Men Origans now if any of you follow me on twitter you will know I have nothing but love and respect for Hugh Jackman, the man can do no wrong in my eyes, I mean the way he's played a man who has no real idea who he is or his past by never reading a comic is just an amazing way to play a character I mean who needs to read about a character that deep and means so much to so many, besides comics are for kids and 30 year old virgings who still live in their mothers basements and in every single performance as wolverine that’s exactly how Jackman has played him.

we start off with young Jackman killing his a man who killed his father who actually happens to be his real father with the pointy hands and is forced to go on the run with his brother Sabretooth (dumb fucking name for a kid) they live like immortals gods killing and raping anyone who gets in their way because wolverine is a good guy like that he happily sits back and lets his big brother kill and rape any woman or man that takes his fancy. eventually after the tenth firing squad they get asked to join weapon hex by Stryker from mortal kombat, who is a team that are getting paid to kill and rape for the US government in covert operations like in metal gear solid without that floppy haired cunt Raiden.

So they meet up with Deadpool, blob, the english guy from lost and the singer from a band whose music is so bad it would make deaf people tell you turn it the fuck off. eventually wolverine gets tired of everyone killing except from him and walks away from the team causing his brother to go into shock and cut his nails which seems to be his only power, but that’s a good thing that’s what meg from family guy had when she had powers and if she was real I'd totally do her. so Logan goes and screws silver fox and tries to put it behind him by running away to the forest with a silver fox but she leaves him (the bitch) fortunately she stank so bad good old Jackman can smell her and traces her back to Stryker who wants to coat his bones in silver and wipe his memory but Jackman isn’t having it and wakes all wet and muscly like a camp Bruce Banner dying for a shit.
    

aww look at the cute kitty

 

 

from this point on the film gets confusing and I can’t tell whose chasing who mostly because I had to top myself up on the vodkas because consuming alcohol is the only thing adds to the greatness of this movie and I was laughed like a school girl at gambit and his magic pole. That singer dies but at least his acting was as good as his singing and I nearly pissed myself when happened, it sooo funny, how many people are dumb enough to teleport into a bag ladies hands? I blame fergie and her singing through gritted teeth on London Bridge, if that isn’t distracting when using mutant powers I don’t know what is.

Let us for a second move away from the plot and examine the relationship between Liev Schrieber and Hugh Jackman. Here you have 2 men, actors if you will, one who accepts his nature the other in total denial but only at peace when he lets the animal out and kills when it becomes too much, one knows who he is and the other has no idea of his past, these two men polar opposites of each other destined to battle endlessly till the end of time in pure hatred always trying but never succeeding to kill each other. All of this was conveyed in this movie.

 

just look at thoughs nails

 

 

 

Indeed Schreiber brings a level of character development this writer hasn’t seen since Howard the duck last Tuesday when I had that awesome take away from the golden fish bar, can’t beat its fried rice look it up. Take Sabretooth from the comic, he's just an animal he can barely speak and has blonde hair, just goes about killing stuff because that’s his thing, Schreiber decided to soften the character to a Shakespearian level. He really understands who he is and why he does the things he does with lines like "you going to let me in?" and "what do you care?" every time he came on the screen my attention was totally focused on him. Just marvellous.

By far the best thing in this whole movie is what they did with Deadpool, who needs to see a faithful adaptation of a character that the fans have been waiting years for, sewing up the mouth of a character who won’t shut up, stroke...of...genius! and the internet and everyone who's ever paid for that movie all agree, of course it has it critics but with a movie this detailed and intricate its almost like a religious doctorate you will always get people who won’t agree on how to deal what is truth.

 

loook everyone its deadpool, say hi!

 

 The film ends with Jackman killing everyone and taking a magic bullet to his brain that gives him amnesia and causes Stryker to gain a southern accent for X-Men 2

yes the film has its issues, you know the music, the acting, the fact its ruined some classic literature, the direction, production, editing, script, casting, the special effects, character development, too many animals, not enough sexual chemistry for gambit, the sky not being blue enough in one scene, Patrick Stewart turning up with a face so rubber a gimp wouldn’t wear it because it looked too weird, but if you can get over all of that its a fucking classic, I'd even go so far and say it’s the citizen Cain of the comic book movies, not that I’ve ever watched citizen Cain but it does have a clit joke in it so it can’t be that bad.

my only complaint and it is a major one is the credits are fucking awful, they screwed up the lettering so bad and..... well to be honest I'd sobered up by that point so because of this major issue I give it very low half a bottle of blue wkd out of 5, and that’s just for Ryan Reynolds because he was in blade 3 as Deadpool.

v fer vendeta eta eta

by dirty santa clause and a man with pencils

 

 

 

V fer vendetta is about a man  with a mask and a spatula who single handedly takes down british empire with kungfu moves. v was part of weapon x which causes him to lose all memory of who he is and kill everything because of a poem he once read that touched his special place... what a dick. He gets all emotional so he has to take down an evil government, boo hoo. He never once concidered writing the president of britain an angry letter he might have gotten results instead of killing corrupt coppers and sleeping with someone who might have been his daughter. anyway im getting side tracked.

 

v for vendeta eta eta is a remarkable book in the fact v has fabulouse hair, and when he fights not one lock comes out of place I'm sure if bruce lee had hair like that he would still be alive today.

 

The book isnt really upto much even though its a masterpiece in everyway and the best thing is you dont even need to read the book you can just watch the movie, because of this I give a massive 4 and 3/4 out of 5 blue wkd as it saved me a shit load of trouble reading through that stupid fucking speech he does at that piano halfway through talking about some fucking menagerie. Dumb cunt.

 

 

 

 

 

 



ketchin irishh

by garth ennis and some cunt who draws


fuck here I go again. whats there to say about kitchen irish that hasnt already been said? well for a start there is not one fucking kitchen in this thing so thats alot of bollocks it does how ever have irish people which arnt as funny as falty towers or father ted has led me to believe (lying bastards) but in this book you are dealing with the northern irish specifacally the IRA so there is no crack to be seen not even a builders bum, infact these fuckers are down right viscous. so these 4 fuckers all have a code for a safe when some old bastard dies and they try and kill each other to get it, unfortunatly they blow up a pub that the punisher was having a slash in it ends up a race against time to see if frank can kill them before they kill each other (bunch of cunts).

Its full of the violence and is more gritty than a football pitch that I was forced to play on growing up you know those shite ones that where full of gravel that when you fell on it hurts like fuck because some stupid bastard at the council thought it be an excellent idea for kids to play on a a giant patch of gravel. SEROUSLY YOU ARE AN ARSEHOLE fucking thing hurt. Anyway I'm getting side track go read kitche irish its awesome

4 bottles of Blue WKD out of 5